Baby Noah turns ONE

I feel slightly broken record-ish because each month reflecting back I feel the same but I can't believe my baby is 1. I've never felt sad to see the boys get older or reach new milestones but my heart ached a bit on April 3rd when I nursed Noah for the last time at night as an 11 month old. We've affectionately called him "Baby Noah" since his arrival and I'm wondering how long that name will stick with him.

We had a very small Easter/Birthday celebration on his actual birthday with just R's side of the family. My mom spends the winter in Florida so we'll have a little celebration with my side later this month when they get back. Each 1st birthday celebration for our boys has gotten smaller and I thought Noah's was just right. My iPhone is full which has limited my picture taking abilities but I've been liking just being present and in the moment rather than worried about capturing every moment. Thankfully, my sister-in-law took a bunch of photos with her good camera. Last week Noah had a run-in with the rocking chair so he's sporting a bruise on his forehead in his birthday photos - the first signs of toddlerhood.

This boy liked his first taste of chocolate cake!

I'm so happy I kept up with monthly blog updates on Noah. I'm not sure if I'll maintain the monthly frequency from here on out but I'm hoping I can put them into a book for him as a keepsake.
At 12 months (1 year!):

- We made it to a year of nursing! He still happily nurses at night and sometimes in the morning. 

- My mobile toddler crawls at lightening speed, pulls up on anything and everything, walks behind push toys, stands on his own regularly, and on his birthday weekend climbed the entire staircase and took his first steps to me!! It was so awesome to be home to witness his very first steps. R was in the kitchen too when it happened.  

- We've been practicing having him wear his bike helmet he got for his birthday around the house to get used to wearing it. So excited to take him out in the bike trailer this summer for family bike rides. For now he has been enjoying going for hikes in the backpack carrier and just started swimming lessons during the week with my sister and seems to like the water. 

- Socially, he is pretty shy around other people and prefers to be held by mom or dad in new situations. He looks for his brothers when they aren't around and is always happy to see them. 

- Babbling is non-stop. He says "mama", "dada", "baba", and "ya" with conviction and makes many more sounds. 

Happy Birthday to my sweet sweet boy xoxo

11 Months

One short month away from my baby's first birthday. I can hardly believe it. It seems like all of a sudden, this month, he just started changing at lightning speed from baby to toddler.

- He simultaneously cut 4 top teeth.. and is in the throws of a nasty cold right now :(

- He pulls up on anything and everything! He'll walk behind push toys and even stood for a brief second on his own this morning. 

- Won't sit still. Gone are the days of strapping him into a rocker chair or an exersaucer. On the plus side - I can get my act together and start getting rid of the accumulation of baby contraptions sitting in my living room currently.

- Still nurses once at night before I go to bed and occasionally wakes in the middle of the night for a feed. Morning feeds aren't as common anymore. 

- He has become a babbler extraordinaire. We're starting to discern some word-like sounds like da-da and ma-ma but otherwise just a whole lot of baby talk. 

- Eats almost everything we eat now only I'll give some things a quick blend in the food processor and spoon feed him so I know how much is going in his belly rather than in his high chair or to the dog below. His pincer grasp has dramatically improved. As has his ability to manage larger bites of food.

Finally, he learned to wave (it's the cutest!) and will fight and protest for toys his brothers are playing with now. 

10 Months

Budding outdoorsman just like his brothers

This post is super late in that Noah will be 11 months old in just a few short days but better late than never, right?

I usually try to jot a few notes down throughout the month on my Notes application on my iPhone. I'm really happy I've continued to do this. With the other boys I was more sporadic in recording updates and didn't do too many with N at all.

Here are my notes on Noah at 10 months:

- Nurses 2x/day - morning and at night just before I go to bed I'll get him out of the crib and nurse him while he is half asleep. I love the cuddle time and his sweet smell. Each night I marvel at how big he is getting.
- Crawling! Everywhere.. and at lightning speed.
- Pulling himself to standing - in his crib too.
- Eating nearly everything. He can take manageable bites off of larger foods now and I don't have to worry as much about him choking.
- Started protesting naps or fussing in a big way when he doesn't get what he wants
- Loves baths and splashes non-stop
- Started expressing some shyness around strangers

Noah @ 9 Months

With each day that passes we are getting more and more glimpses of Noah's growing personality. He is so into his big brothers now and the cutest thing is hearing all 3 of them laughing together.

Some highlights from this month:

- No new teeth. Still just 2 little bottom teeth.

- Texture! Noah now eats mostly non-pureed foods. His brothers liked seeing him eat a few plain goldfish crackers this month. We've been offering him whatever we have been eating where we can. 

- He is SO close to being mobile. He still scoots around on his bum most of the time but loves to stand at the couch or walk with you holding his fingers. He much prefers to stand and will stiffen his little body when you try to sit him down. Otherwise, he does get up on all fours but doesn't quite get the crawl yet. He can also sit up now from lying down. 

- Down to nursing 2-3 times/day. I stopped coming home from work at lunch this past week. He wasn't always interested in nursing at lunchtime anymore. It felt really weird at first and I miss him but have been enjoying having that time to do errands. He is unphased! 

Here he is in action:

8 Months

Sometimes I wish you'd stay this way forever

Every day I feel so blessed to have this little guy in our lives. I particularly cherish our quiet time cuddling and nursing in the rocking chair in his bedroom each night. Many nights he dozes off in my arms before I get a chance to lay him in his crib. It is hard to believe he is 2/3 of the way to 1 year old. His personality is really starting to shine and I am beginning to think he may be a mix of his two older brothers.

Some highlights from this month:
- Teeth! 2 on the bottom which he loves to tink against a glass cup of water at meal times.
- Weighed in at 18.5 lbs at his doctor's appointment and is now wearing 18-24 month clothes.
- Eating 3x per day. This month he got a number of grains, fruits, and veggies under his belt and began having some mixed foods. Peas and avocados were the only things that didn't go over really well. This month we're hoping to introduce more meats and dairy along with giving him the food he already enjoys mashed as opposed to pureed.
- Mobility! Noah scoots around on his bum and has begun flopping onto his tummy and pushing up on his knees. Rocking isn't too far off I don't think. He'll sit and play with toys for long periods of time but doesn't spend much time in the exersaucer or Jumperoo much anymore.
- Vocalizing - he just recently started babbling. His favourite sounds are "bah", "gah", and "da da". He regularly has big shrieks and laughs for his brothers.
- Going from 3 naps most days down to 2 naps.

I have, for the most part, stopped pumping. I'm still nursing a couple times in the morning, at lunch (when he is interested), after work/before dinner, bed time, again before I go to bed and occasionally once in the middle of the night if he wakes. So 6-7 times each day on average. He usually has 2-3 bottles of formula while I'm at work or if I'm out in an evening or weekend. I'm so happy we've been able to keep up this relationship for so long.
 
This month I gave away a box of baby clothes to my brother (who is having a baby boy in February!). I'm in the process of offloading my maternity stuff as well. Slowly but surely. It does feel a bit strange and I do feel some twinges of sadness during moments when the realization that this stage of my life is over comes to light. I'm trying to stay focused on the present and all of the exciting stuff to come as much as possible.

Oh what fun!

Happy Fall (& 7 Month Update)

Halloween was a giant low maintenance success this year. The 3 year old wanted to be a Ninja Turtle (same as last year) and the 6 year old didn't have any requests or complaints about going as Batman again so we reused last year's costumes and the baby, of course, went as Tigger just as his brothers did for their first Halloweens. 

In baby news. Noah just might be the sweetest baby boy ever (I'm sure I said that a million times over with his big brothers too). Some highlights from 7 months:

- Sitting on a blanket or mat playing with toys. His favourite thing to do.

- Eating! Oatmeal cereal, acorn squash, butternut squash, carrots, sweet potato, green beans, apple sauce (mixed with oatmeal). He isn't a huge fan of the green beans so we mix them with the sweet potato or squash with a 2 to 1 ratio and he gobbles it right up. I've been making 2 batches per week of pureed veggies and freezing them in ice cube trays. He usually eats about 3 cubes per serving.

- Teething! His two bottom teeth are coming any day now. I keep checking each day but they haven't yet broken through.

- Enjoying outings. On occasion my sister will take the two little guys to the park in the morning so Noah has gotten used to riding in the swing and sitting in the sand. On Remembrance Day, they took the bus to our local ceremony and parade.

- Starting to vocalize. Slowly but surely, we've got a developing chatterbox on our hands. Lots of  giggles, "ahhhh", "Gah" and putting his lips together and going "pffft".

- Still nursing but mostly at night, in the morning and in the evening. He doesn't actually nurse much when I come home at lunch from work any more. He seems either not overly hungry then or too interested in everything else going on. I still end up feeding him a little and pumping a couple of ounces so it still feels worth coming home for to me but I definitely see an end to the lunchtime nursing sessions coming soon. We supplement about half of his daytime feedings with formula. On the weekends he nurses much more frequently and only one or two formula feedings per day.

Toe sucker

Winter seems to have come early this year. We got our first snow fall and the big boys couldn't have been happier! Hard to believe Christmas is right around the corner.

First snow fall of 2014

Intrigued

Noah and motherhood at 6 months

This update is a little late but I can hardly believe Noah has been with us for half a year already! It seems to have gone by in the blink of an eye. Last Thanksgiving we were sharing the news with friends and family that we were expecting and here we are this year as a family of 5. It's hard to remember life before him.

At 6 months, Noah is:
- Nearly 18 pounds and eating solids! We started him on brown rice cereal at 5 months but it just wasn't sitting well and then he flat out refused to eat it. Our doctor suggested we try oatmeal instead (we started big brother N on oatmeal). Noah loved his oatmeal and has since tried sweet potato and squash. We're going to keep the train moving with introducing new veggies every 2-3 days from this point forward.
- Still nursing but can get pretty distracted. I still come home from work at lunch and even though he isn't eating a ton when I do, he is still happy to see me and to nurse. I think it is definitely helping to keep up my supply and I don't feel ready to stop yet. It feels pretty special getting to see my two littlest guys even for 25 minutes mid-day. It has also been nice not having to pack a lunch.
- Sitting! Around 6 months, he started being able to sit on his own for a few seconds here and there when he was occupied with something in front of him. He can now sit and play with toys for a bit longer periods without toppling over or getting fussy. He still loves to jump in the jolly jumper and to go in his exersaucer. He loves touching, grabbing, and holding just about everything.
- A mega drooler. I keep expecting to see a tooth any day but both of his brothers were late to get teeth so they could not show up for a while. He constantly has his right hand in his mouth sucking his fist. I've been trying to get him to use a teething toy since his little hand is getting a rash from all the sucking.
- Back to sleeping for about 10-12 hours at night. We put him down around the same time as his brothers at 7pm. Then I wake him to nurse before I go to bed around 10pm and he'll sleep until about 6am.

This boy!

Couldn't contain his excitement his first time having veggies - banged his tray excitedly between bites

I'm finally feeling 100% like my old self physically and mentally. Physically, I actually feel stronger than I have since before having kids. Skating for just an hour and a half once a week has made a big difference in how I feel.  I still cringe when things touch my abdomen but not because it hurts, just because it still seems tender or extra sensitive to touch. Sleeping through the night I think has been a huge factor in why this time around I'm feeling much happier and am able to cope with stressful situations. I also think having a job I love, feeling secure financially, and rather than giving up the things I enjoy doing, actually making the time to do them (like skating and volunteering) has made the work/life/family balance and settling into life as a family of five much easier than each of the last times we expanded our family.

Recently, I bit the bullet and spent just under $300 at the used clothing store and mall. I bought mostly active wear and business attire, and a pair of black pumps for work. Up until this point, I was wearing many of the pieces I'd bought pre-kids along with a few I had bought in between pregnancies. Most of my wardrobe in general is well-worn and I haven't been feeling particularly attractive in my clothes lately since my body went through so many changes with all 3 pregnancies and I wore the same clothes while nursing and through about half of my pregnancies so they are stretched in some places and don't fit the nicest. Eventually I hope to replace most of my wardrobe but at this point I'm still nursing so I'm going to try to make due for now with my few new pieces. I hate looking or feeling frumpy!

5 Months

My baby is 5 months old!

Noah smiles, giggles, and coos constantly. He has the biggest smiles for me when I come home from work for lunch and at the end of the day. Pretty much the best feeling in the world.

He is very active. Tummy time is not his favourite and the amount of time he'll sit idle in a baby seat without fussing is getting less and less. He loves jumping like crazy in the Jolly Jumper and will spend about 5-10 minutes at a time in the exersaucer.

Nursing is still going well. I nurse exclusively when I'm home still and pump for when I'm at work. I've had a few setbacks where I've missed pumping/nursing sessions due to appointments or for whatever reason had longer periods of time away. This meant I fell short and we've had to supplement with a couple ounces of pre-mixed formula in my absence. A few times I've been so tired I've dragged my feet to pump and almost thrown in the towel but I'm so so happy I've been able to keep up the nursing relationship this long and am still planning on keeping it up for as long as we are both happy.  I'll often nurse while eating at the kitchen table (hey, this mama likes to multi-task!), but lately Noah has been more interested in watching me eat than in nursing so I've had to switch to nursing him in quieter places with less distractions.

Sleep has gone a bit down hill. He'll still sleep long stretches at night but has been waking once or twice to eat. Not sure if he is just more hungry or wants the snuggles.

As for me, I've been recovering from strep throat this week. Last weekend Noah and I spent cuddling at home while I was sick and the rest of the boys were at the trailer. Overall, I feel so much happier and relaxed with Noah than I did after the other boys were born. I'm loving work. I'm loving time at home with the boys. I can go out and grab a few groceries in the evening or shower just after I put Noah down and not worry. Life is pretty darn great.

Every now and then my abdomen will feel uncomfortable but otherwise, I don't notice any weirdness or discomfort most of the time from my c-section. I had my follow up appointment with a urologist related to my complication and everything looks good with my kidney function. Oddly I felt a twinge of sadness at my most recent urologist appointment as it seems to be the last of the medical appointments I still have related to my pregnancy/birth.

4 Months

I don't know where the time has gone. Somehow it feels like just yesterday we were meeting Noah for the first time and now he is a third of the way to one year old! Being third time parents, I think we are so much more relaxed this time around. It has been such a different experience with Noah.

At 4 months, Noah:

- Is a good sleeper. Most nights will sleep a solid 8+ hours. Writing this feels so wrong because I know there are so many other new moms out there who are operating on some serious sleep deprivation. I've been there too. I wish I had the magic formula for getting a baby to sleep through the night to share but really, I feel like it is just a fluke! Also, this kid loves his crib. We were away for the long weekend so shared a bed. He was up several times through the night eating. Since he has been back in his crib at home, he has slept nearly 10 hours straight each night. We try to put him down as much as we can for naps in his crib.

- Laughs!... and laughs and laughs. It is just the sweetest sound in the world. He is very ticklish and will grin and coo in anticipation of you touching his armpit or neck while you're changing his clothes. Otherwise, he is becoming very vocal and loves to "chat" and shriek.

- Enjoys time in the Jolly Jumper and is actually moving around now in there. His head and neck control is amazing.

- Still goes easily from breast to bottle. Pumping is going well. He generally goes through 2-3 bottles in the morning and 1-2 in the afternoon. Each about 3oz. Along with our lunchtime feeding. So anywhere from about 15-18 oz throughout the work day. He does still do some cluster feeding in the evenings. This week we got the highchair out and washed it up so he can start sitting with us at the table while we eat dinner. Last night was his first night with us at the table and it was so fun!

- Is a thumb/hand sucker. He'll often roll his head to the side and put his hand to his mouth when I lay him down in his crib to go to sleep.

As for my own postpartum body, I'm back wearing about 3/4 of my regular clothes. My abdomen is feeling noticeably better from the c-section but still the tiniest bit tender to the touch or if I stretch too much. I'm anxious to feel more comfortable in my body again but I'm still not feeling there yet for getting into an exercise routine. This time around I want to be kind to myself and allow a generous amount of time to fully heal physically and emotionally. I'm also still sustaining a not so little human being so my body isn't completely mine. I've heard it takes nearly a year to have a baby so it should take about that long to "get your body back" and I think there is a lot of truth there.

The first week and getting into a routine

Last week I started my new job. So far, I'm liking enjoying it. My first week was a bit overwhelming also being B's last week of school for the year so this week with the holiday mid-week has been nice.

A big change in the past 3 weeks has been Noah sleeping through the night (!). He has slept consistantly 8-9 hours at night in his crib in his own room. I thought for sure he'd wake up at night again once I went to work but he hasn't. I've been worried about my supply taking a hit with the 8 hours overnight and the long 5 hour stretch in the mornings at work. During the work day, I've only been pumping on my lunch break which isn't until 1pm when I come home most days. When I'm not working, I feed Noah frequently. He has been nursing for longer or cluster feeding in the evenings which I've loved since it gives us a chance to reconnect after being apart all day and builds my supply back up. 

Here is a peek at my new daily routine:

4-4:30am Noah wakes up. I'm usually pretty uncomfortable so I feed him while pumping on the other side. R also gets up around this time to go to work.
5-6:30am Breakfast/Prep bottles and lunch (big boys usually wake any time between 5:30 and 6:30)
6:30am Feeding
6:45-7am Load everyone in car to pick up my sister
7-7:40am Get ready for work
7:40am Feeding/pump
8-8:10am Leave for work as rest of crew is heading out to bus stop (during school year)
1-2pm Come home for lunch/feeding/pump - with travel time I usually have about 25 mins at home
5pm Arrive home. Feeding/pump. Dinner.
6:30pm Showers for boys if they need it - this has been nightly lately since they are so dirty from playing outside
7-7:30pm Bedtime for big boys. R usually handles this. We've been reading to the boys together lately which saves some time.
7-8pm Feed Noah and put him down for night in his crib. Most nights I'll shower after Noah is in bed.
8:30pm Bedtime for me and R.

As far as nursing and pumping goes, I nurse Noah at least 6 times/day. 4 sessions of which I also pump at the same time. He'll have 2-3 bottles in the mornings (2.5 oz each) and 1-2 in the afternoon while I'm at work. One day there was a staff potluck at lunch so I stayed at work and pumped on my two 15 minute breaks instead. Legally, I don't have to use my breaks to pump but I have chosen to. On the days when I come home for lunch, I have been taking breaks with other staff or picking up one or two items we needed at home from the grocery store around the corner. On the days I haven't been working, I've only been pumping once or twice/day.

I've really been enjoying having a schedule in sync with R.  I feel like we get to spend more time together laying in bed chatting after all the kids are tucked into their own beds and seeing each other before he heads to work in the morning while the big kids are still sleeping. Despite working full-time now, I don't feel nearly as stressed over work/life balance or sleep deprived (still amazed I have a new baby that sleeps 8 hours) as I felt with the older boys. I'm hoping I'll continue to feel this way.

Post-partum wardrobe

Definitely not my work wardrobe

10 weeks...postpartum

Apart from being nervous about leaving Noah to go to work next week, I've been worrying about what I'll wear since my wardrobe for the last 10 weeks has consisted of nothing but pajama and sweat pants and maternity casual clothing. Anything remotely tight around my midsection was uncomfortable either due to sore abdominal muscles or my incision area.

Recently, in the past 2-3 weeks, I've been able to wear leggings again and last weekend I tried on a pair of size 4 Lulu Lemons that have been hanging in the closet for a year and they weren't terrible! I'm still about 5-10 pounds away from pre-pregnancy weight which I'm not at all complaining about but my body shape is just different. Up until this week, none of my non-maternity dress pants were close to fitting. While I was pregnant, I let most of my work shirts get stretched out to get the most wear out of them. I planned on buying a new work wardrobe post-baby rather than buying new maternity pieces that I wouldn't wear again.

Right now, a new work wardrobe isn't in the budget but I did need some new pieces to wear since many of the ones I own still don't fit. Also, my new work environment is more business attire than my old workplace which was more business casual. Thankfully the summer at my new workplace is more relaxed so I can get away with business casual for a few months.  I'm planning on using most of the clothes I have in my closet and slowly replacing them over time as my body continues to change and things get worn.

As a thank you/going away gift, I received an $100 gift card for Mark's Work Wearhouse from my old boss. I was able to get a few pieces of clothing on sale or clearance so that I have enough items to mix and match with my existing wardrobe and make it through the summer months at work. Shopping at this point didn't make me feel great about myself. A lot of the pants and dresses didn't fit nicely or were very unflattering around my stomach. I also had to think about ease of pumping/breastfeeding. I had the most success with tighter shirts and cardigans but did buy a pair of black capris with a stretchy waist. I'm fairly happy with the few items I bought. I'll be able to definitely wear the cardigans long after my baby weight is gone and I plan to make accessories my best friend to feel more attractive and put together.

New work clothes (approx. $90)

2 Months

This post is about two weeks late. I've been busy gearing up for going to work in just one short week. The last month brought with it a noticeable shift toward some semblance of normalcy around these parts. After being more or less housebound for Noah's first month, this month we ventured out a lot more.

Our first long weekend as a family of 5 was fun. It is hard to remember our family before Noah though I find we're split up a lot more 3 and 2. It doesn't seem exponentially more difficult, the transition from two to three kids.

I've also been able to get out more on my own and back to my volunteer commitments which usually have me out one night/week for about 3hrs.

At 2 months, here are some of Noah's highlights:

- Actually smiling! He is all smiles in the mornings. Melts my heart.
- Up the back poop explosions
- Rolled from stomach to back (once). Doesn't care much for tummy time but has great head and neck control.
- Fits his 6 month clothing comfortably and shows a preference for footless clothing. Needless to say he isn't loving being swaddled much anymore
- Still sleeping in our bed for now. Still up about 3x in a night (Yawn!)

I was finally able to pack away the last of my maternity clothes this week. I'm slowly starting to fit back into some of my regular clothes. This is one aspect of being done having babies that couldn't come quick enough. I am so ready to put away the frumpy mom wear. Seeing the newborn sleepers that all 3 of my boys wore packed away for a new home was a little bit more emotional.

Nursing and Working

The part I am most nervous for about going back to work in a few short weeks is maintaining the breastfeeding relationship I've worked hard to establish with Noah even with a major bump along the way in the beginning. With Nicholas I went back to grad school full time when he was 4 months old which had me away 2 days/week and with Brendan I took a couple of evening courses, also at 4 months.

Here in Canada, parents can collect up to a year of maternity and parental employment insurance benefits. Most do take the entire year off. This means that most women stop breastfeeding by the time they return or only continue to nurse in the hours they are not at work. Consequently, breastfeeding and the workplace isn't an issue that comes up a lot so I'm anxious to broach the subject with my employer, especially since it is a new employer. I guess I don't want to look like I'm high maintenance or demanding special treatment. Kelsey's posts on breastfeeding and working have been such a go to resource for me.

My goal is to maintain breastfeeding for at least 6 months and ideally to 12 months. Right now I've started pumping once in the morning and once at night using my Medela Freestyle Advanced (double electric) pump to try to build up a bit of a freezer supply. Noah takes a bottle no problem but I've only ever been away from him for 3-4 hours at a time.

My plan for the first month is to come home at lunch time when I can to nurse and pump. Taking travel into account, I'd still have 30 minutes at home. Another alternative would be to meet the boys and my sister (who watches the boys) at my mom's house on occasion which is 5 minutes from work. This would give me more time. Since I'll need to pump at least one additional time, that'll have to be done at work. For that I'm planning on bringing my hand pump and cooler bag like I did when I was at grad school. I found when I could control the suction and frequency by hand I was able to pump a lot more. The manual pump is also light weight and can be used anywhere. I don't have to worry about plugging in. We introduced cereal at 4 months with both of the other boys once they showed signs of readiness. If Noah is the same, that should help since we can replace one bottle feeding while I am away with food.

1 Month

After a month, we're finally settling in to a rhythm and routine as a family of five. I don't feel an overwhelming sense of panic or anxiety anymore when I'm with them at home on my own. I remember feeling really nervous the first time I was alone with two of them too or the first time I took both to the store. I had my first solo parenting experience this past weekend when R went to open our trailer for the season.

At one month, Noah:

- Is starting to have much more time alert when he is awake.

- Weighs 10lbs and has been packing on a pound per week. No wonder I've been starving and achy from carrying him around.

- Is a decent sleeper. Wakes up a few times through the night but generally just eats and goes right back to sleep.

- Holds his head up really well.

- Tracks objects.

- Is a total daddy's boy. Next to eating, his favourite place to be is cuddling with or sleeping on dad

- Has started smiling just this week

I'm a bit sad at some point this month we'll start transitioning him to sleeping in his crib in his own room. I know we'll all get a much better sleep that way but I've grown to love the time settling in bed with him and R at night. For now, I'm enjoying the cuddles at night and sometimes while he naps. I'm also enjoying devouring books from the library like The Goldfinch during our nursing sessions.

Snuggling with daddy.

Enough

I was hoping this post wouldn't be so heavy. I was relieved to turn the calendar to May after spending a lot of time in April working through my emotions about my birth experience and recovering physically. Truth be told, I spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself. It didn't seem fair. Other people I know who have had cesareans seemed to have recovered much more quickly. It was really discouraging and I felt pretty down. At the same time, I also felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude for my three healthy kids. Things haven't been easy but they could definitely be much worse.

This week I read one of the most touching blog posts I've come across on A Cup of Jo about Mara's story of infertility and deciding to move on to a life without children. It was weird because having just given birth to my third child and never struggling with infertility, at first glance it seemed like a story that couldn't be farther from my own reality. Surprisingly, so much of it resonated with me on a deep level. I'm on the other end of the spectrum now.

My twenties have been a blur of pregnancy and babies with a dash of education and career. I've had so many defining experiences as far as pregnancy, birth, and motherhood go:

Two miscarriages.
A premature baby.
Two full-term babies.
A medicated birth (epidural).
An un-medicated birth.
The most medical form of birth (a cesarean).
Successfully breastfeeding each of my two oldest boys the better part of their first years and now Noah.

Though we are still fresh from birth, I look at Noah and I know he is my last baby. We've been through a lot in his nearly 1 month on the outside. Before he was born or even conceived, R and I talked about 3 being our limit. I haven't been advised medically not to have more children but the cesarean and complications have been enough to extinguish even the tiniest bit of desire to have more. Enough to make me count my blessings. I know it sounds terrible but as I was on the stretcher amidst all the chaos, trying not to push, and hoping we'd make it to the operating room, for a brief second, it crossed my mind that I might not make it through the experience - that I wouldn't be there for my family and to see the boys grow up. I felt guilty and selfish for putting my life in danger when I had two little boys at home and a husband that needed me. I need them too.

I am big on control. Before Noah, life was in some degree of limbo. You know when people say their lives were incomplete before they met the love of their life or had children? I really did feel like something was missing. Life was full of "what ifs" up until now, like.. what if we only have one child..then two..would we have a daughter or all boys..and what about spacing. I feel a sense of relief now, like Mara, having a sense of certainty that we're done. I feel like we can finally move on with life as a family of five and making bigger plans. 

3 Weeks and a Snug Fit

We're just on the down swing from a growth spurt in the past couple of days. Noah was nursing non-stop all day and night. I was exhausted and feeling crummy.

We had our 2 week midwives appointment this week and Noah impressed by weighing in at almost 1lb over his birth weight. At 2 weeks they are generally happy if baby is back up to birth weight. His belly button also healed up this week much to the relief of his brothers who thought it was "yuck" every time they saw it.

This week is supposed to mark the halfway point for my recovery. Not sure I feel 50% normal yet. Side lying has just become tolerable rather than uncomfortable. Thank goodness since I've been nursing non-stop in bed. I'm also driving again! I was able to drive myself and Noah to our appointment alone with only mild discomfort. My digestive system slowly seems to be returning to normal too which is a huge relief (the things we take for granted - seriously). I've been off pain medication and stool softners for about a week and am feeling OK.

In other news... They all fit in the Prius and without having to buy new expensive "narrow" car seats. Success! The buckle is moderately tricky to do up in the middle where the booster is but we've worked around that by having B get in the car first before the bucket seat goes in so he can more easily navigate the buckle. It would be much easier with the forward facing seat in the middle but my Prius doesn't have an anchor for carseats in the middle so to have them safely installed, the seats that require anchors are on the outsides. Probably best not to have the sometimes fit-throwing toddler next to the baby anyway :)

2 Weeks

At 2 weeks old Noah has more alert periods throughout the day and snacks frequently. We've been back exclusively breastfeeding for about a week now without any problems.

He has been sleeping approximately two 3-4 hour stretches at night most nights, only waking for about 30 minutes to eat and then falling right back asleep. Unlike with the other two boys, we've been co-sleeping with him. With the cesarean, it was difficult up until about now to get up or move around in bed so co-sleeping has made things much easier. I don't have to wake R up to help me throughout the night. At this point, we plan to continue this sleeping arrangement for the first 6-8 weeks since it coincides with my recovery period.

I had forgotten how much of yourself you have to give up in these early days to devote every hour of the day to sustaining another little life. I've really missed going out - even to run errands or grocery shop. Today is the first day I am going to attempt to venture out on my own with Noah to our midwives appointment. I wasn't able to drive for the first 2 weeks and I'm wary of the discomfort still.

Things that have been helping me cope during these long days at home:

• Freezer meals are long gone now but were extremely helpful in those first days home when even walking across the kitchen was painful. Now I focus on simple but healthy meals
• Taking time to shower every morning and put on clean clothes
• Forcing myself to take a midday nap with Noah - usually only an hour - but something I didn't do with the other two. I have found this makes a huge difference in my energy levels
• Eating nutritious foods and ensuring adequate fluid intake. My digestive system is still not working at 100% so I've been really making an effort with this. I use the "Notes" function on my iPhone to food journal while also tracking Noah's schedule
• Jotting down a few things on a to-do list to accomplish each day - I use Notes for this too
• Reading archival blog posts from some of my favourite bloggers on navigating the early weeks
• Reminding myself that this period is short

This sweetness also makes things a bit easier.

Week 1

Week 1 wasn't without many uphill battles. My hospital stay was 3 nights. Nurses did the diaper changes and brought Noah to me or held him while I got ready to nurse. Sitting up in bed was so so painful and lets not talk about standing up. I had to breathe through the first time like I was in labour to manage the pain. I was afraid to shower with the incision and staples but it didn't hurt at all. I felt jealous of all the moms that were up walking around and picking up their own babies.

I went home on the Monday with my prescription heavy pain meds, Advil and Tylenol. The car ride was agonizing. I held a pillow on my lap. Every drainage sewer or bump we went over felt like my stomach was going to burst open. Once at home the pain didn't ease. I reminded myself not to be a martyr and to take the meds regularly. My back ached all along the left side. I chalked it up to gas pains.
The next day when R got home I was in tears. My stomach suddenly bloated up. Back to the hospital we went.

There were 2 issues. First was that the spinal from the surgery had likely put my bowel to sleep. Second was that during my surgery the doctor had to stitch into the arterial area to prevent internal bleeding and there was a good possibility one of the tubes draining my kidney to my bladder was affected when I was being stitched up.

They wanted to do a CT scan to confirm. I was told with the contrast dye and the cocktail of drugs, I needed to stop breastfeeding for 24-48 hours. I was being re-admitted and Noah couldn't stay. I felt devastated. The scan confirmed the blockage so I was scheduled for surgery in the morning to have a stent put in until the stitch dissolved.

My mom stayed the night with Noah and I at the hospital. She changed him and fed him with formula the nurses provided. R came first thing in the morning to take over. I was pumping and dumping to keep my supply up and only cuddling with Noah while he was asleep to avoid nipple confusion. It crossed my mind whether we should just make the switch to formula so I could spend more time with him but as much as it hurt, I pressed on with the pumping and tried to take comfort in the fact that he was being well loved and cared for by others. He was getting his skin to skin and being held and changed regularly, only dad was doing it, not me. He was a happy baby.

At 36 hours I was given the clear to resume breast feeding. Thankfully he went back without issue. After 2 days in the hospital I was finally allowed to go home again for the second time. We've been working ever since on building my supply back up and easing off the formula. Things are looking up now but I'm still wary that anything could go wrong so we're just taking things day by day here.

Noah's Story

A fitting way to end a week, my labour with Noah began after dinner on Friday, April 4th. We put the boys to bed nice and early at 6pm (they had a long day) and settled in to watch Due Date (irony?). I insisted on something funny over R's current obsession with the show Vikings. Just into the movie I started getting some mild cramping and light contractions. I quietly took mental note of the spacing. 10 minutes. Gave R a heads up in a half joking manner not to get too comfortable on the couch. An hour later they were coming every 6 minutes and I had to get up and walk away from the couch. 

I decided to call the midwife. I may have erred on the more dramatic side when describing the pain/intensity. After arriving at the hospital 10cm last time and having to wait on the midwife and then the back up midwife, I wanted to get to the hospital this time. We arranged to meet at the hospital for 8:30pm. We headed there straight away to be safe and headed to the Tim Horton's in the food court area to grab a coffee for R and a donut for me for after the big event before checking in since we had time to kill.

Once our midwife arrived, we headed to a birthing suite. Since I was 7cm, she called for the back up midwife for the baby. I was pretty happy to have made it to 7cm while still being able to converse easily and even smile at or crack the odd joke. Things were quickly starting to get uncomfortable. She asked if I wanted her to break my water to speed things along since the baby's head was still quite high up she said. I declined, wanting to wait until the other midwife got there since I knew from my past labours that I was pushing rather shortly after having my water broken. She offered to set up a tub I could labour in, or a birthing ball, or suggested I might take a shower. After trying the first two during my labour with Nicholas and feeling worse if anything sitting down, I opted for the shower. R kept me company in the bathroom and the shower felt good. I must have stayed in there for 30 mins. When I hopped out, I got a hospital gown on and parked myself on the toilet to face some more contractions for another 20 minutes or so. The counter pressure from the seat helped a bit through the worst of the contractions and since I felt like I might have to go to the bathroom it seemed like a fitting place to be. Around 10pm I got up and the midwife checked me again. 10cm. We decided to go ahead and break my water. 

Upon breaking my water the midwife felt for Noah's head and realized that it wasn't his head at all, it was his bottom. At the same time, because of the contact, he passed a lot of meconium. I was told to lay back on the bed and not to push just to pant through contractions while she called for the OB to come. They told me he would most likely recommend we go to the operating room for a cesarean. The OB came in and confirmed the breech position with ultrasound. He explained his recommendation would be to go for the emergency cesarean and the midwife asked what I'd like to do. At that point I was frantic trying not to push but my body was pushing anyway. I didn't want to have things explained to me, or to answer a million informed consent and medical history questions (what the heck did I fill out the pre-registration forms for?!) I just wanted to do what was needed to get the baby out safely and quickly. R went with the midwife to get scrubs on. After what seemed like forever, but in actuality was only about 30 minutes, I was in the OR, getting an IV and a spinal block. Once the spinal block was in and I was laid back, I could no longer feel the contractions and felt a wave of calmness settle over me. After a lot of pressure and tugging, the doctor motioned to R the baby was coming out so he could peek over the curtain. Noah was delivered at 10:36pm. Shortly after, R brought him to my head and put his cheek on mine. I felt relieved. 

Noah

Popping in quickly to say that we welcomed our newest addition to the family last Friday (4/4/14!) just shy of 39 Weeks.

Noah arrived after a quick labour and surprise emergency cesarean. It has been a whirlwind of a week. Once I can put it into words I'll have a post.

He is the sweetest little guy and we are so happy and blessed to finally have him here.